


can i fill you up with my emptiness tonight?

by merlypops



Series: 5SOS Song Oneshots [9]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Best Friends, Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, Healing, Healing Sex, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kissing, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Subspace, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:22:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4066606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I don’t think anyone can <i>fix</i> me, Mikey,” Luke breathed, kissing the soft skin beneath Michael’s ear for a moment, his lips lingering there. “Maybe this isn’t something to be <i>fixed</i>. I just need to get through it, y’know? And sometimes… when I don’t feel strong enough to do that alone, you’re there with me. You make carrying this lighter."'</p><p>
  <b>Michael falls in love and Luke just wants to feel okay again.</b>
</p><p> Based on "Down On You" by Tokio Hotel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can i fill you up with my emptiness tonight?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the fact that I am in a weird melancholy mood and Michael called Luke a sweaty angel.
> 
> This is angsty and a bit weird but I tried to make it as happy as I could (not sure I succeeded to be honest)...
> 
> Hopefully this is okay. I mean, my writing style has _definitely_ changed again which is odd but maybe it's not the end of the world, I don't know...  
>  Hopefully enjoy :)

**_Can I fill you up,_ **

**_With my emptiness tonight?_ **

**_Can I hold your hand,_ **

**_As we slip into the light?_ **

**_‘Cause angels fall down,_ **

**_And we are, and we are,_ **

**_Just two damaged souls,_ **

**_But it's heaven where we lie._ **

_\- Down On You, Tokio Hotel_

 

Life wasn’t like the movies.

That was the conclusion Luke had rapidly drawn when he met Michael and fell in love with him because, sure, his life might be a _thousand_ times better than it had been when Luke was a kid but that didn’t mean the emptiness didn’t still linger inside him like stubborn mould.

Luke didn’t understand that whole cliche about feeling _whole_ when you fell in love with someone because that had never happened to him.

His breath still rattled in his lungs, even _with_ Michael squeezing his pale hand tightly and swearing that he was never going to let go, and Luke’s heart still ached painfully in his chest, even when Michael _was_ pressing gentle kisses to the soft skin of Luke’s throat.

Luke loved Michael though - he had done since _school_ if he was being perfectly honest with himself - and Michael loved him back.

That was about the only thing Luke _was_ sure of these days but it was something bright to hold onto when everything else felt like it was crumbling into dust and slipping through the gaps in Luke’s fingers.

Michael’s emerald green eyes glimmered when he looked at Luke, like he could see stars in the blond man’s gaze and oceans in the blue of his eyes. He kissed Luke _reverently_ , like the blond man was something priceless that deserved to be cherished, even on the days when Luke didn’t have the energy to drag himself out of bed on his own.

Luke’s battle against depression was an uphill fight but Michael was there, holding his hand and leading him through the darkness with a lantern and a sad smile on his face, and Luke took comfort in the fact that at least _Michael_ would never leave him.

The black-haired man had always been by Luke’s side though, from that first day at secondary school to the night when he found Luke shivering in the darkness as he stood on the edge of the roof, biting back sobs as the icy wind clawed at Luke’s clothes and threatened to fling Luke over the ledge when he hadn’t been brave enough to do it himself.

Luke would never be able to thank Michael for that, would never be able to put into words just how bright his love for Michael burnt but he thought the older man could tell sometimes, _hoped_ for it even because sometimes Luke’s words got lodged in his throat and refused to be spoken but they shone in his glassy eyes like fireworks or embers that refused to fade entirely into the night.

Luke and Michael loved each other so much it _hurt_ sometimes but the blond man would take that agony over anything else because it was the only thing that made him feel _alive_ on those dark days when he wanted the world to end.

The pair of them had only got together properly after college was over, when the feeling of _change_ was imminent in the air and they were afraid that they might end up losing touch.

It had started just as monthly catch-ups over coffee in this little café in town that Michael had stumbled upon during one of the long walks he often took to clear his head. It was nice in there, quiet and calm with soft music playing from a tinny radio on the countertop. There were orchids growing in little ceramic pots on the tables and the slices of apple pie they sold there were _wonderful_.

The monthly catch-ups had become weekly though and soon they’d expanded to include other things too, like walking Luke’s dog Molly on the beach on Saturday mornings or going out for dinner and to try strangely-named cocktails in quirky little restaurants in uptown Sydney that neither of them could _really_ afford with their salaries. They went on trips to the cinema on Friday nights when they’d finished work and they even went clubbing sometimes when they wanted to celebrate that the weekend was finally here.

Luke didn’t mind whether or not it was the weekend really though. His job at the library in town wasn’t so bad and it kept him busy, kept his mind occupied which was all he could _hope_ for sometimes.

The first time Luke had kissed Michael it had been outside of the library actually.

The blond man had left work with a scarf wrapped around his neck, covered up in a long black coat and a beanie to fight the cool wintery air, and he’d found Michael waiting outside for him, shivering in a torn Metallica t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans with a bunch of slightly limp lavender clutched too-tight in one pale hand.

“Lavender’s meant to be calming and I know you get anxious sometimes so I found you these but now they’re a bit dead and I didn’t want to give you dead plants but I wanted to give you _something_ but maybe I should have got you a potted one instead,” Michael had rambled with just a hint of desperation, his eyes widening with nerves, like maybe he’d forgotten everything he’d been going to say.

Luke had come to a slow stop in front of his best friend, cocking his head to the side as his eyes glittered weakly because Luke had _always_ been able to read Michael like a book and he’d guessed (correctly) where Michael was going with this.

“Thank you, Michael,” Luke had said, his eyes shining brighter when Michael’s mouth fell open a little bit. “I love them.”

“I love **you** ,” Michael had blurted out before his eyes fluttered shut as Luke closed the distance between them and kissed him.

Luke still had to kiss Michael calm _now_ from time to time, because sometimes Michael’s thoughts ran away from him and his breath came in gasps and his anxiety overwhelmed him, and it was only Luke’s lips on his skin and his fingers gently threading through the older man’s dyed hair that kept him calm.

Luke took a step back sometimes and looked at the pair of them, thought they were actually pretty well suited to each other, all things considered, because life had screwed them both over but at least they had each other.

Luke hoped they always _would_ and he knew Michael did too because the older man told him all the time, promised it - both silently and literally - when he held Luke’s gaze solemnly as he filled the blond man up, rocking slowly into him like they had all the time in the world to lose themselves in pleasure and tear-wet eyes.

Luke couldn’t stop himself from falling even more deeply in love with Michael and it was a strange, melancholy kind of fear, and the sensation did absolutely _nothing_ to burn away the numbness clouding Luke’s head like a thick fog.

It only _added_ to it instead, made him feel dizzy and like he was losing his grip on everything that wasn’t Michael’s fingers entwined with his own.

Michael shone brighter than anyone Luke had ever known but the momentum the older man had caused when he’d crashed into Luke’s life when they were both eleven years old had knocked Luke off course, and the blond man couldn’t find his way back to where he was supposed to be anymore because that path was gone, buried under dying autumn leaves.

Luke’s therapist said it was natural that he felt lost and wrong-footed sometimes, because being in love with someone and living with them was new, unexplored territory and it would have been strange if that _hadn’t_ made Luke feel uncertain.

Michael _cried_ when Luke told him that. He left the house with tears streaking down his cheeks, wearing the scuffed combat boots he always wore when he was going on one of his long walks and, for the first time since they’d been together, Luke had ran out of the house after his boyfriend, shutting the rusting garden gate behind him and cringing when Molly started to bark from inside.

Michael stiffened when Luke fell into step beside him but he still laced his fingers through Luke’s, sniffling a little bit, and the blond man gave Michael’s hand a gentle squeeze as they wandered through the light rain that was falling on the clifftops near their home.

“Y’know, it’s not necessarily a _bad_ thing,” Luke murmured as they walked. His shoes were sinking into the mud and the wind was cold off the sea, chilly enough that it painted their cheeks red and caused tears to form in their eyes.

“How can it be _good_?” Michael choked out, biting down hard on his bottom lip as he followed a seemingly-familiar path through the long, swaying grass atop the cliffs. Luke was shivering as he followed Michael, wishing (perhaps in vain) that he’d brought a jacket with him, but his lips going ever-so-faintly blue was worth it if he could put Michael’s anguished mind at rest.

“I said that you knocked me off course, yeah?” Luke said quietly and, despite the wind doing its utmost to steal Luke’s words, Michael still heard him. He nodded fractionally but it was enough.

“Michael, if I hadn’t met you, I don’t think I’d be walking around right now. I… I’d be _dead_ probably so… so you shouldn’t beat yourself up over this.”

Michael flinched at that, went even paler, and although Luke knew that Michael was upset because he was remembering that night on the roof, _Luke_ was saddened because all he could think about were the silvery scars lining the insides of Michael’s wrists.

“I love you because you help me every single day,” Luke murmured, wrapping his arms gently around Michael's soft waist as he let his chin rest comfortably on the older man’s shoulder.

“But I can’t _fix_ you,” Michael choked out and Luke’s heart ached, gave a little pang because - more than _anything_ \- Luke wished that that were possible.

“I don’t think anyone can _fix_ me, Mikey,” Luke breathed, kissing the soft skin beneath Michael’s ear for a moment, his lips lingering there. “Maybe this isn’t something to be _fixed_. I just need to get through it, y’know? And sometimes… when I don’t feel strong enough to do that alone, you’re there with me. You make carrying this lighter.”

“I brought you dead flowers,” Michael muttered suddenly, snorting weakly into Luke’s neck, and the blond man laughed, helpless and maybe slightly hysterical as his eyes burnt with fresh tears and his lips found Michael’s skin again.

“You’re so fucking _lame_ ,” Luke murmured but the pure **love** saturating his tone was more than evident.

“And you’re shivering,” Michael noticed, looking almost back to his old self now. His expression was vaguely disapproving and Luke pouted at him, trying his best not to laugh as Michael unzipped his long coat and pulled his boyfriend to his chest.

They stumbled home like that with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, warm in each other’s embrace, and Luke thought maybe that summed them up: **MichaelAndLuke** , them against the world.

They were spattered with mud when they finally got inside and their hair was soaking with rain. Michael’s decidedly _not_ innocent suggestion of taking a shower together was gratefully accepted by Luke and, by the time they fell into bed twenty minutes later with rain pounding against the windows and the skies a stormy grey outside, Luke’s body was burning with need, and maybe the agony of his love for Michael wasn’t the _only_ thing that made Luke feel alive.

Michael’s lips trailing across the blond man’s heaving chest as he sucked bruises into Luke’s skin that looked like constellations set a fire burning in the pit of the younger man’s stomach and Luke lost himself in the gentle ebb of pleasure as Michael painted galaxies on Luke’s skin with his mouth.

The kisses felt like blessings almost, and Luke might still be falling through the sky but his hands were gripping Michael’s shoulders securely and he knew he wasn’t alone. The raven-haired man was with Luke, kneeling over him like some dark angel as his teeth sank gently into the pale skin of Luke’s neck and his warm hands drifted across the younger man’s chest like feathers.

Michael traced stars up and down Luke’s chest with his tongue as he wrapped his fingers around the blond man’s achingly hard cock.

Luke let out a strangled moan as his hips rocked up into Michael’s soft palm and he felt lost up in his head, and he knew he wasn’t going to come down again until Michael made him come.

“Babe,” Michael breathed but Luke was keening now as Michael’s fist sped up, catching on the head of Luke’s cock as his thumb rubbed over the slit. Michael’s emerald green eyes took in the way Luke’s golden shower-damp hair was still clinging to his forehead as his unfocused tear-wet eyes locked on the older man’s face. “You look like an angel, Lukey. Like a really sweaty angel.”

Luke huffed out a laugh, tightening his grip on Michael’s shoulders and suppressing a slightly drunk smile when the older man moaned as Luke’s nails bit into his skin.

“Shut up,” the blond man mumbled but it came out jumbled into one long word and it made Michael smile fondly. His fist was still moving though, still gliding easily up and down because Luke was leaking so much.

“ _God_ , babe, you look so beautiful,” Michael breathed, dropping his head to suck one of the younger man’s nipples into his mouth. A high-pitched whine tore out of Luke and his cock pulsed in Michael’s hand. Luke’s trembling legs fell apart.

” _Please_ ,“ he whispered hoarsely and Michael’s smile was soft, sweet and soothing as he pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Luke’s mouth.

“Okay,” Michael breathed, his full lips catching against Luke’s as he reached blindly for the lube on the bedside table. The blond man’s head was swimming and it felt a little like he was floating now, so far up in the atmosphere that he was running out of air.

“ _Kiss me_ ,” Luke gasped out, drinking Michael in like he was the air he needed so desperately to breathe. Michael’s lips curled up into a smile as he spread the younger man’s thighs gently, like this was something he loved to do.

Michael opened Luke up carefully on his fingers, swallowing the blond man’s moans before Luke broke away to pant into the cool air of their bedroom. His hair was still damp on the pillow and his piercing blue eyes were glassy with lust, and Michael loved Luke _so_ much.

He loved Luke’s thin, kiss-bitten lips and the way his long eyelashes fanned out on the pale skin of his cheekbones when his eyes fluttered shut at the pleasure coursing through him. Michael loved the way Luke cried out brokenly when the pads of Michael’s fingers just barely brushed his prostate, loved Luke’s hands knotting too-hard into Michael’s black hair like he was anchoring himself there, refusing to leave.

Luke swore he could see stars exploding before his eyes, tiny suns that burnt like sparks and lived their entire lives in the seconds when Luke squeezed his eyes shut too tightly. He felt the heat of the dying stars on his skin, felt it warming him as a flush spread through his body when Michael replaced his fingers with the head of his cock, whispering soft words into Luke’s ear as his lips trailed across the blond man’s throat.

Luke felt the burn of it engulf him completely when Michael rocked in until his hips were pressed against Luke’s overheated skin. Michael took Luke’s hand gently, interlocking their fingers and resting their hands on the pillow beside the blond man’s head, unbreakable.

“ _Fucking **love** you_ ,” Luke mumbled, pressing hot open-mouthed kisses to Michael’s neck and whimpering when the older man thrust in until there was nothing left to take.

There was a flame growing in Luke’s chest, burning and crackling in the hollowness there until Luke wasn’t empty anymore. He was full instead, filled with a light that was so bright and pure and **good** that he felt like he was in _heaven_ almost.

He was alight, ablaze, consumed by flames as his tongue danced hot against Michael’s and the older man’s cock hit the little bundle of nerves deep inside Luke. It ripped a moan out of both of them, made Luke clench down as his nails dragged down the soft, pale skin of Michael’s back.

Luke tossed his head back into the pillow when Michael reached down clumsily between them to wrap his fingers around Luke’s cock again, and Luke didn’t feel like he was going to go up in smoke anymore.

He felt calm and full and **safe** instead, and totally happy in a way that he hadn’t felt in what must have been _years_ now, and it was all down to Michael - to Michael who seemed to be just _seconds_ away from falling apart.

That was okay though. So was Luke, whose head was so full of **MichaelMichaelMichael** that he couldn't see straight anymore as the fire inside him reached new temperatures. It was like a forge almost, like Michael was fashioning Luke armour to keep his soul safe during the dark times that inevitably lay ahead.

Luke liked that thought, liked the implication behind it, like Michael really _wasn’t_ going anywhere because he believed Luke was strong enough to make it through this.

Luke’s toes were curling and his breath was heaving in his chest and, when Michael thrust in deep with a broken moan as he sucked at Luke’s neck, tightening his fist around the blond man’s cock, Luke lost control too and the stars exploding before his eyes grew brighter until white was all he could see.

They exploded against each other like stars and Luke felt it, felt it in the gentle kiss Michael pressed to Luke’s cheek and the soft brush of his shaky fingers as he stroked the blond man’s hair away from his forehead.

“Sweaty angel,” Michael mumbled sleepily, wiping at the mess on Luke’s stomach with his discarded towel before he threw it onto the floor to tidy up the next day. The black-haired man tugged the duvet up over them, cuddling Luke close in his arms because the blond man might be taller but he still preferred being the little spoon.

“I love you,” Michael whispered, pressing little butterfly kisses of apology over the bruises he had left on his boyfriend’s neck. “So, _so_ much. More than dead lavender flowers, even.”

Luke snorted sleepily into his pillow, elbowing Michael weakly in the ribs, and the black-haired man hid his smile in Luke’s broad shoulder, wrapping an arm around the taller man's chest and cuddling him close as Luke snuggled back into him.

The lights were out in the room and Molly was sleeping in her basket in the hallway. It was dark in their bedroom, warm and safe as they lay with their legs tangled together beneath the navy sheets.

Luke was seconds away from sleep when he realised the ache in his chest was gone, along with the numbing fog in his head and the helpless pain in his veins. It felt like maybe the armour Michael had made him was finally working, felt like maybe Luke’s soul could begin to heal at last because the metal was hot to the touch, burning the relentless rain into little more than steam and leaving only Luke behind, untouched.

It made Luke feel _strong_ and _whole_ , and it was the most wonderful feeling lying curled more than half-asleep in Michael’s arms.

The rain had stopped falling outside now and even the wind had quietened down.

The storm had finally passed.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos :)  
> Thank you, guys! <3
> 
> (Also you could come and talk to me on my tumblr if you like - merlypops.tumblr.com. I'm kind of lonely over there!)


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